You often talk about having the ability to establish proper boundaries in life through the use of certain selves. Could you explain how this works?

It is essential in life to learn to have real choice about what we say yes and no to. We want to have boundaries about whom we get close to and from whom we keep our distance. Certain selves in each of us are always pushing us to blend with people and other selves want to keep us standing back and not blending with people at all.

Personal selves are selves that literally lock us into blending modes and make it quite impossible to create appropriate boundaries. The Pleaser is one of these selves and the overly Responsible Self is often a partner in this behavior. If we are identified with this group as a primary self-system, then we are always saying yes to be nice or because we just love to help people.

On the other hand, if someone is identified with being impersonal or even withdrawn on an energetic level, then the boundaries may be too great and these strong boundaries keep others away - no one is allowed to get close to such a person. We need both kinds of energy, both personal and impersonal to be able to have boundaries that are appropriate to us. Information on this topic is included in all of our books and CDs.


psychology of the selves
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A Fireside Chat
Article by Sidra Stone

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